The Grief of Divorce
On this website, we talk about many forms of grief beyond the death of a loved one. One that I often see clients struggle with is the grief of divorce.
Before a marriage even ends, there is often a period of anticipatory anxiety, the fear of what might happen if you separate. You might wonder if you are giving up too soon, if your partner will change, or if couples therapy is finally starting to help. You might even question whether you will ever love again. These thoughts are understandable. But by the time a couple is seriously considering divorce, they have usually tried everything.
That realization can bring feelings of failure and shame, dismantling the vision of what your life was supposed to look like. If you share children or pets, there is an added layer of worry about their well-being. Sometimes, family and friends encourage you to stay and “make it work,” which can add guilt and confusion to an already painful process. Divorce is stressful and deeply sad.
It is different from grieving a death, but similar in one key way: someone who once felt like home is no longer accessible in the same way.
In women’s support groups I have led, I often hear something like this: “I thought I had already grieved during the marriage. I did not expect to feel this sad once it ended.” Many realize that even though they no longer felt supported or seen before the divorce, they still miss the familiar rhythm of the relationship—the daily check-ins, shared routines, or quiet patterns that gave life a sense of stability.
Even when a marriage no longer meets your needs, you may still find comfort in its predictability. Perhaps you and your ex still texted each other often, even if the messages had lost their depth. Those brief interactions, though not enough, were something. Over time, small habits like these can become emotional placeholders, moments we add up to convince ourselves we are still connected.
When those patterns end, it is normal to grieve not just the person, but the parts of yourself that found safety in those familiar exchanges. That grief is real. It is a natural part of adjusting to the distance from someone you were once deeply attached to.
These relationship patterns are learned behaviors, and you will develop new ones, ones that feel more aligned, fulfilling, and mutual. In time, you will discover ways to feel soothed and cared for, both within yourself and through connections that truly see you.
As you move through this season, I hope you have community, people who remind you of your worth and hold you with compassion. Turn to them often. You are not a burden.
If you are feeling isolated, lonely, depressed, or anxious, reach out for professional support. Therapists, mentors, and support groups can help you process the loss and rebuild your sense of self. There is help out there, and you do not have to go through this alone.
Above all, practice gentleness with yourself. Notice any harsh inner dialogue and soften it when you can. For example, you might think, “I am so angry that I am still this upset. It has been months, and I should be over it.” Instead, try responding to yourself the way you would to a dear friend:
“It makes sense that I am sad and angry. This is hard. Divorce is hard. I am allowed to grieve.”
There is no perfect way to get divorced, and no single right way to heal. The pain of divorce deserves to be honored, not rushed. Nothing is wrong with you for finding it difficult. You are human, and this is grief.