What Not to Say to Someone Who Is Grieving
When Words Don’t Soothe
When someone we care about is grieving, silence can feel unbearable. We reach for words because we want to help, to make it better, to soften what feels too big to hold. But in the tender space of loss, certain phrases that might seem comforting on the surface can actually deepen pain and make the grieving person feel unseen.
It is natural to want to offer comfort. Most of us have never been taught how to sit with grief, so we reach for what we know: reassurance, optimism, or spiritual meaning. Yet, when someone is in deep pain, these well-intentioned words can land as pressure. Pressure to heal faster, to be stronger, or to see their loss in a certain way.
Despite sounding compassionate, certain phrases often imply that your loved one needs to rush through their grief instead of being allowed the time and space to breathe. Phrases like 'At least they're in a better place' or 'Everything happens for a reason' can inadvertently add pressure to the grieving person.
Each of these statements usually comes from love. But they also reflect something else—our collective discomfort with pain. When we try to make grief smaller, we’re really trying to make ourselves more comfortable.
Why These Phrases Can Be Harmful
Grief does not follow logic or timelines. It moves in waves that can feel unpredictable, raw, and deeply human. When we meet someone’s pain with silver linings or tidy explanations, we unintentionally send the message that their grief needs to make sense, or that it should fit neatly into a story of growth and meaning.
For example, when someone says, “At least they’re in a better place,” it can sound like they are trying to erase the grief by focusing on the afterlife rather than the very real absence felt in the present. “Everything happens for a reason” can lead the grieving person to question their pain or feel guilty for not recognizing the “lesson.” And phrases like “You’re so strong” may create pressure to keep functioning, to hold it together, to perform strength instead of being allowed to fall apart.
Grief wants witness, not wisdom. It wants presence, not platitudes. It wants space, not solutions.
True support comes from staying close to the truth that this hurts, and that it is okay for it to hurt.
What to Say (and Do) Instead
Empathy is the key to providing effective support. You don’t need the perfect words. You only need honesty, empathy, and a willingness to stay.
Here are some gentle alternatives that truly comfort:
“I don’t know what to say, but I’m here.”
“This is so unfair. I’m sorry you’re going through this.”
“Would it help to talk about them?”
“I’m thinking of you and here for you whether you need someone to talk with, sit with, or help with daily things like groceries or errands.”
“Can I bring you food, help with your pets, or take care of something small this week?”
Sometimes silence says the most. Sitting beside someone, breathing the same air, and allowing tears or stillness to fill the space is an act of love. You do not need to fill the silence with meaning for it to be meaningful. Your presence alone is a powerful form of support.
Another form of comfort is consistency. A single message right after the loss is kind, but checking in weeks or months later can be even more powerful. Grief lingers long after the world moves on. Sending a text that says, “I’ve been thinking about you today,” or remembering an important anniversary or birthday shows that you still see their loss.
Grief, Anxiety, and the Fear of Saying the Wrong Thing
Many people stay quiet after a loss because they’re afraid of making things worse. They want to say the right thing but fear saying the wrong one. This hesitation often comes from anxiety and our need for reassurance that we are doing things correctly or being a good friend.
But avoidance can deepen the isolation that grief already creates. The grieving person may begin to feel like people are disappearing, unsure of what to say, and they are left to carry both their loss and the silence around it.
If you find yourself anxious about how to show up for someone grieving, you are not alone. It can help to remember that presence matters more than perfection. A simple 'I’m here' or 'I’ve been thinking about you' is often enough. What matters most is that you keep showing up, even if you feel unsure or if your words don't seem perfect.
And if you are the one grieving, you may notice this dynamic from the other side. You may feel let down by friends who fail to reach out, or confused by how distant people appear. Grief often magnifies our relationship fears and anxieties, making connection feel both necessary and impossible at the same time.
Therapy can be a space to explore these patterns with compassion. Together, you can learn to understand your emotional needs in grief, identify where you crave support, and find ways to reconnect with both yourself and others.
If You’re Supporting Someone You Love
The goal is never to fix grief. It is to stay close to love, even when it hurts. Grief is not a problem to solve but a deeply painful emotional response. When we resist the urge to make it smaller, we create the possibility for true connection.
If you are walking beside someone who is grieving, try to:
Offer specific help rather than vague offers. (“Can I pick up dinner on Thursday?” feels easier to accept than “Let me know if you need anything.”)
Keep checking in. The weeks after a memorial can feel especially quiet.
Avoid giving advice unless it’s asked for.
Remember that sadness, tears, and even anger are natural parts of love.
It’s okay if you fumble your words or feel unsure. What matters is that you keep showing up.
If You’re Grieving Yourself
You do not need everyone to understand your grief, but having a few people who do can make the isolation easier to bear. Support groups, grief-informed therapy, or simply connecting with someone who has lived through loss can help you feel less alone in what can otherwise feel like an entirely new language.
At Attune Therapy Practice, I specialize in supporting individuals and couples in the immediate aftermath of loss. Together, we can slow down the rush to make sense of what has happened and begin to find steadiness in the midst of uncertainty.
Grief deserves time, compassion, and the company of others.
If you would like more guidance on navigating grief, whether your own or someone else’s, visit my page on Therapy for Grief to learn how we can work together.
If you recognize yourself in this post, you don’t have to work through it alone. Schedule your free 30-minute consultation.