What Not to Say to Someone Who Is Grieving
When Words Don’t Soothe
When someone we care about is grieving, silence feels unbearable. We reach for words because we want to help and make it better, to soften what feels too big. But in the tender space of loss, specific phrases that may otherwise seem appropriate cause more pain and minimize their grief.
You might think you sound compassionate, but these phrases tend to portray that your loved one needs to rush a grief that requires time and space to breathe.
Here are a few phrases that often hurt more than they help:
“At least they’re in a better place.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“They wouldn’t want you to be sad.”
“You’re so strong.”
“It’s time to move on.”
These statements often stem from love, but they also reveal our own discomfort with pain. When we try to make grief smaller, we’re really trying to make ourselves more comfortable.
Why These Phrases Can Be Harmful
Grief doesn’t follow logic. Silver linings or tidy explanations do not soothe it. When someone says, “At least…” or “It could be worse,” it can feel like a denial of the depth of their loss.
Even well-meaning encouragement, such as “You’re so strong,” can backfire. It may make the grieving person feel like they need to perform strength instead of being allowed to fall apart. And the keyword there is “perform”. This is the last thing we want them to feel they need to do, especially to make us feel more comfortable.
Grief wants witness, not wisdom. It wants space, not solutions.
What to Say (and Do) Instead
You don’t need the perfect words. You only need honesty and presence.
Here are some gentle alternatives that truly comfort:
“I don’t know what to say, but I’m here.”
“This is so unfair. I’m sorry you’re going through this.”
“Would it help to talk about them?”
“I’m thinking of you and here for you whether you need someone to talk with, sit with, do your grocery shopping for you, etc.”
“Can I bring you food or help with errands this week?”
And sometimes, silence says the most. Just sitting beside someone, breathing the same air, is an act of love.
Grief, Anxiety, and the Fear of Saying the Wrong Thing
Many people stay quiet after a loss because they’re afraid of making things worse. But avoidance can deepen isolation.
If you find yourself anxious about how to show up for someone grieving, or if you’re grieving yourself and feel misunderstood by those around you, you’re not alone. Grief often magnifies our relationship fears and anxieties, making connection feel both necessary and impossible.
Therapy can help you understand these patterns and find a way to connect again, to yourself, and to others, without fear of “saying it wrong.”
If You’re Supporting Someone You Love
Remember: the goal isn’t to fix grief. It’s to stay close to love, even when it hurts.
If you want more guidance on navigating grief, your own or someone else’s, visit my page on Therapy for Grief to learn how we can work together.